Chosen

I've been asked by a few people how religion plays into life in Europe.  After careful consideration about the audience of this blog - who are both involved in the church and outside the church, I found that answering that question in a public blog would offend someone no matter how I answered.  So what I decided to do is change it into a confession of sorts that focuses not on how others view religion, but on what I've personnally experienced. 

For the last 2 years, I've struggled with organized church.  This has nothing to do with the churches I've attended or didn't attend over the last 2 years.  It has everything to do with me.  I strongly believe that church is not about what you get out of it, but about what you put in it.  I wish I could be a better example of that. 

I've always been a rule follower.  I'm excellent at it.  Put it down in black and white, plain English rules and I'm in heaven.  That's one of the reasons I know I'm good at my job - there is a manual and I can follow it.  Even when it comes to things I'm not good at outside of work, I do them well inside work.  For instance, I'm awful at meeting and relating to new people outside of work.  However, because it's in the manual as a required item as part of my job at work, I do pretty well at it there.  In fact, it might be one of my strengths.  For some reason though, I can't apply that behaviour outside of any situation that doesn't involve that manual.

Since college, I've struggled to find a place in a church.  At first it was relatively easy.  I lived at home, went to my home church and was involved in youth group as a leader.  That went pretty well - no post college friends outside of work my age, but at least I was involved.  Then I moved and I don't think I appreciated how much my work/life balance really effected my ability to meet new people and form any sort of relationship.

Now, going to church is an absolute struggle.  I haven't lost the faith - on the contrary, I feel relatively close to God's grace, mercy and peace.  He continues to call me to be involved in Kenya missions and remains faithful to me.  But for some reason, going to church reminds me so much of how, in my perception, I'm broken - that I'm not exactly on the path I expected God to call me to.  I expected to be on baby #3 with a loving husband and 2 adorable children at this point.  Church reminds me of what I'm missing.  I can describe all of the dark things you can tell yourself when you feel out of place in church, but it's not worth repeating.  It's lonely. 

I get caught up in the fact that I'm looking for someone to say "Lindsay, I choose you".  That hasn't happened for me yet and jury's out on if it ever will.  And to be frank, the only place I feel I'm missing something is church.  Everywhere else, I'm fine.  The sermon I heard today reminded me that Jesus has already said that, regardless of what I may think of myself during church or after.  He has said, "I chose you before you were born, I choose you now and I will continue to choose you no matter what".  The God of infinite wisdom chose me and yet all I can focus on is what I don't have.

As a confession (this will offend all of my church friends - fair warning), I went to church for the 2nd time this morning since arriving in the NL.  It's not a theology thing - the church I found is Lutheran-lite -> almost on point with a number of key issues.  It's a matter of going by myself, only to be reminded that I'm by myself.  And to be fair, I was only really going in Houston for the last year when I was in Spring or with T&D to Pearland, which was limited.  Chief of sinners though I be.

The point of this blog is to confess that I haven't been faithful to His church.  It is unfair for me to describe religious points of view of those here in the NL without taking ownership of the fact that I am not who I would like to be.  By no means do I need to do anything to have the love and grace God so freely provides, meaning I know my eternity is not based on my church attendance, but actions such as church attendance are a result of Him first providing His love to me.  I only hope that God will take away all of the worry and stress that church causes for me at this point in my life.   

1 John 1:5-10; 2:1-2
^"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.  If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.  My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world."